The Battle with Rest

Last Friday - the beginning of the Battle.

I had knee surgery last Friday to correct an injury sustained while trail running 2 years ago.
I tore the meniscus in my left knee. For the past 2 years I did physiotherapy to try to manage the pain and discomfort.
(I need to write another post about the difference between American and Canadian health care - let me just say - you get what you pay for).

But, this post is focused on this past week - a week of forced indolence.
I was in a lot of pain and discomfort. And I was always tired.
I'm tired right now.
I had to postpone several meetings that I had scheduled.

I did go to a staff lunch meeting and a Bible Study with our small group. - But was exhausted at the end of that day.

It looks like this week might be a repeat of last week - although I will be at church tomorrow, speaking briefly in the Adult Ed. Class and then attending worship.
I also am speaking 4 times next weekend - I'll be speaking at a Cornell InterVarsity retreat, as well as preaching twice Sunday AM.
That will surely be a challenge - if I'm feeling the same way I am feeling now!

So - what have I learned?
Well, I am surprised that my inability to work has led me into feelings of frustration.
Being placed in a position where you cannot contribute in the way you feel you have been gifted is difficult.
But - I think my initial reactions were wrong.
This morning I was praying and journalling.
I wondered why I could not simply rest
rest from my work
rest in the presence of He who made me
rest - physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally.

Why do feelings of fatigue make me feel guilty?

Perhaps I place too much of my self worth and value in what I produce.
So - when the means of production are halted or stalled - frustration ensues.

This means then that I need to re-calibrate my identity to be more in line with the relational reality of being a child of God.
A son or a daughter contributes nothing towards the earning of that title - they simply exist.

I need to learn to transform inactivity into rest and into joy - but it is hard.
It is re-learning.
It is a process, not an event.

So - I'm grateful that I had this week of rest, of fatigue and pain - it has taught me something deeper about how I relate to my self worth.

Now - I'm going to take a nap - and not feel bad about it.

I'm also going to limit my activity next week, and pray I experience peace instead of frustration.