The Battle with Rest

Last Friday - the beginning of the Battle.

I had knee surgery last Friday to correct an injury sustained while trail running 2 years ago.
I tore the meniscus in my left knee. For the past 2 years I did physiotherapy to try to manage the pain and discomfort.
(I need to write another post about the difference between American and Canadian health care - let me just say - you get what you pay for).

But, this post is focused on this past week - a week of forced indolence.
I was in a lot of pain and discomfort. And I was always tired.
I'm tired right now.
I had to postpone several meetings that I had scheduled.

I did go to a staff lunch meeting and a Bible Study with our small group. - But was exhausted at the end of that day.

It looks like this week might be a repeat of last week - although I will be at church tomorrow, speaking briefly in the Adult Ed. Class and then attending worship.
I also am speaking 4 times next weekend - I'll be speaking at a Cornell InterVarsity retreat, as well as preaching twice Sunday AM.
That will surely be a challenge - if I'm feeling the same way I am feeling now!

So - what have I learned?
Well, I am surprised that my inability to work has led me into feelings of frustration.
Being placed in a position where you cannot contribute in the way you feel you have been gifted is difficult.
But - I think my initial reactions were wrong.
This morning I was praying and journalling.
I wondered why I could not simply rest
rest from my work
rest in the presence of He who made me
rest - physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally.

Why do feelings of fatigue make me feel guilty?

Perhaps I place too much of my self worth and value in what I produce.
So - when the means of production are halted or stalled - frustration ensues.


This means then that I need to re-calibrate my identity to be more in line with the relational reality of being a child of God.
A son or a daughter contributes nothing towards the earning of that title - they simply exist.

I need to learn to transform inactivity into rest and into joy - but it is hard.
It is re-learning.
It is a process, not an event.

So - I'm grateful that I had this week of rest, of fatigue and pain - it has taught me something deeper about how I relate to my self worth.

Now - I'm going to take a nap - and not feel bad about it.

I'm also going to limit my activity next week, and pray I experience peace instead of frustration.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Go to church

Image
We are several months out of even the most limited pandemic restrictions. I cannot remember the last time I wore a mask. When I see someone wearing a mask, it feels nostalgic - a reminder of a strange time when that person was the norm and I - the unmasked one would look strange. Despite the fact that we can break the 6-foot barrier and admire the lower halves of other's faces - I have been surprised at the number of Christians I meet who are just NOW starting to return to live worship services. I understand the lure of the live stream worship experience while sitting at home on the couch - worshipping in sweats and hot coffee in my mug - much more appealing than a hard couch and no coffee. I've also met believers boldly walking away from regular church attendance and proclaiming they can worship God anywhere - including the pickleball court. Nature is my sanctuary. "God’s Spirit and gift of salvation are not defined by church walls. But without an embodied community of be
Read more

Where the Light Falls

Image
I've read two books by Augustine - City of God and Confessions. I think I've read his confessions 3 times. I like him because he is a good writer, has lots of self-insight, and loves God passionately. He was very honest about his pre-Christian life. At one point he makes this observation: "I had my back toward the light, and my face toward the things on which the light falls." Most people have their back to the light - and they focus where his light falls. Where the light falls refers to God's common grace. God does not keep good things only for those who follow him. Because he is good he distributes his blessings and grace widely. Where the light falls are places of grace: art, music, beauty, sunshine, loving relationships, a baby's smile. But - these things are not the light - to enjoy and encounter the light, we must turn around and follow the rays of light back to the source. What is the source of beauty, love, and truth? Jesus said he is the light of the
Read more

Coaster goes up (a little)

Image
Unused photo from the Globe and Mail shoot. So, last night and all day today I was on the top floor of the Hyatt Regency Hotel in downtown Vancouver. Quite auspicious surroundings for church council/pastors meetings! there were stunning views of the North Shore mountains, Stanley Park and the downtown buildings. The meetings were lengthy, exhausting and a lot of work. Basically, FBC has been on a year long journey of crafting its vision statement and core values - we did it with the assistance of a coach from Outreach Canada. We are coming down the home stretch and needed to hammer out everything for presentation to the congregation. Today was the first day that I have begun to feel lighter and ready to resume the work. Although still feeling wounded from this whole mess, I'm ready to limp on. It's true: Sunday,Monday - elation at finally reaching a goal of holding a first@night service in a trendy nightclub - excitement at getting press coverage - even thoug
Read more